Id Rather Than Funny Statements
Editors' annotation: This article was first published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Love Letters to Texas' collector'southward effect.
Common as cornbread, former every bit dirt, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agricultural past, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Almanac; plenty simply brand us laugh. Nosotros asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and nosotros nowadays likewise a sample of other axioms and adages common to the state—a collection of sayings every bit big as all hell and half of Texas.
Acceptable
It'southward meliorate than a poke in the heart with a sharp stick.
That'due south close enough for government work.
Might as well. Can't dance, never could sing, and information technology'due south as well moisture to plow.
I could sit down however for that.
Yous tin can't beat that with a stick.
Boastful
He tin strut sitting downwardly.
He'south all lid and no cattle.
She'southward all gurgle and no guts.
He bedroom-of-commerced it.
Quack
He's on a first-name footing with the bottom of the deck.
So kleptomaniacal that if he swallowed a nail he'd spit upwards a corkscrew.
Then crooked y'all tin't tell from his tracks if he'southward coming or going.
He knows more means to take your coin than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a canis familiaris's hind leg.
Kleptomaniacal every bit the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked every bit a barrel of fish hooks.
So kleptomaniacal he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She's more than slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He'southward slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him any further than I tin can throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
You can take that to the bank.
You can hang your chapeau on it.
You lot tin bet the subcontract on information technology.
He's so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you tin can expect nether her fly for the can.
Brave
Dauntless as the offset man who ate an oyster.
Brave as a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown buffet.
He's double-backboned.
He's got more guts than y'all could hang on a debate.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of ice water.
Argumentative, Mad
She could commencement a fight in an empty house.
He'd argue with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a chunk under information technology.
He's the just hell his mama e'er raised.
He's got his tail upwards.
She'due south in a horn-tossing mood.
She's so contrary she floats up-stream.
She's dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell y'all how the moo-cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama's apron.
If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He's showtime cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't bite a biscuit.
He's yellowish every bit mustard simply without the bite.
He may non be a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
And then dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
And so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
Then dry out my duck don't know how to swim.
It's been dry out so long, we just got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah'southward Flood.
And then dry out I'm spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry out equally the center of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Decorated
He's so busy you'd retrieve he was twins.
They're doing a country-office business organization.
Busy as a 1-legged man at an donkey-kicking convention.
Busy equally a funeral home fan in July.
Decorated equally a one-eyed canis familiaris in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
Busy equally a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south 40 before breakfast.
Got to get dorsum to my rat killing.
She'south jumping like hot grease (or h2o) on a skillet.
Panting like a cadger on a hot stone.
No grass growing under her anxiety.
Unsophisticated
Merely fell off the turnip (watermelon, spud) truck.
He's then country he thinks a 7-course meal is a possum and a six-pack.
They lived so far out in the land that the sun fix between their firm and town.
Capable, Experienced
She's got some snap in her garters.
He'southward got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She's got horse sense.
He'due south got enough of notches on his gun.
She'due south a right smart windmill fixer.
He could find a whisper in a whirlwind.
There'due south no slack in her rope.
He's a three-spring cowboy.
He tin ride the rough string.
If she crows, the sun is upward.
This own't my first rodeo.
General Advice
Pigs get fat; hogs go slaughtered.
A worm is the simply brute that can't autumn down.
Never sign nothing past neon.
Just because a chicken has wings don't mean information technology can fly.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You can't get lard unless yous boil the hog.
If you cut your own firewood, information technology'll warm you twice.
There'south more than ane style to break a dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the salary without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else'due south line.
Do God'due south will, whatever the hell it may be.
Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
Why shear a pig?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty pull a fast one on hunts his own hole.
Quit hollering downward the rain.
Don't rile the wagon master.
Better to go along your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open information technology and remove all doubt.
The barn door's open and the mule's trying to run. (Your wing's downward.)
Don't get all het up almost it.
There's a large divergence betwixt the ox and the whiffletree.
There's no tree only bears some fruit.
Pare your own buffalo.
You lot better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule'south tail can catch cockleburs.
A drought usually ends with a flood.
If you lot lie down with dogs, yous get up with fleas.
A lean domestic dog runs fast.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let'due south shoot out the lights.
Nosotros'll pigment the town and the front porch.
Let's hallelujah the county.
Put the little pot in the big pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll wear my Sun-go-to-meeting clothes.
He'south all gussied up.
Big
Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fat as a town canis familiaris.
She's warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what you call him every bit long every bit you phone call him to supper.
So big he looks similar he ate his blood brother.
So large he has to sit downwardly in shifts.
Big equally Brewster Canton.
Big as Dallas.
Big as a Brahma bull.
She'd rather shake than rattle.
He'due south big plenty to acquit hunt with a branch.
He'south all spread out similar a cold supper.
Wide as two ax handles.
He'll eat annihilation that don't eat him first.
Cheap
Tight as Dick's hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight as a clothesline.
Tight equally a fiddle string.
Tight every bit wallpaper.
Tight equally a moisture boot.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has short arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He's got a big hole in his screen door.
She's one bubble off plumb.
She'due south ane brick shy of a load.
She's ii sandwiches brusque of a picnic.
He'south a few pickles curt of a barrel.
There'south a light or two burned out on his string.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch low-cal'due south on but no one's dwelling.
He's lost his vertical concord.
He's overdrawn at the memory bank.
I hear you clucking, simply I tin't detect your nest.
She's got as well many cobwebs in the cranium.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy every bit Larrabee'south calf.
Lucky
He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.
He ever draws the all-time bull.
He'south riding a gravy railroad train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit on the debate and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In alpine cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come up to town two to a mule.
She'south got more than she can say grace over.
And so rich they tin consume fried chicken all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world price a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He's then broke he'south busted all X Commandments.
Poor as a cadger-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw information technology out of.
So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate and so many armadillos when I was immature, I even so curlicue upwardly into a ball when I hear a dog bark.
And so poor we had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
Poor as sawmill rats.
He's broke every bit a stick equus caballus.
He'due south likewise poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won't fifty-fifty stop at their door.
Then poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
Too poor to paint, as well proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot as Hades.
Hot equally the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot equally a two-dollar pistol.
Hot equally a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summertime revival.
Hot as a pot of cervix bones.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a called-for stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
And then hot the hens are laying difficult-boiled eggs.
Common cold
This is hog-killing weather.
There's merely a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it's down (after a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger'southward knee.
Cold as a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife's eye.
Cold every bit a cast-iron commode.
Common cold as a banker'southward middle.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I experience lower than a gopher pigsty.
I feel so low I couldn't spring off a dime.
She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
You look like you lot were sent for and couldn't go.
Deplorable plenty to bring a tear to a glass eye.
He looks like the cheese cruel off his cracker.
Small, Thin
She'due south frying size.
He's knee-loftier to a grasshopper.
He'd have to stand up to wait a rattler in the eye.
About as big as the little end of nothing.
Half as large as a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Nix between the horns and hooves but hide.
Thin as a bar's ear.
Sparse equally a gnat's whisker.
Sparse as store-bought thread.
Thin as Depression soup.
Thin as a fiddle string.
Thin as a rake and twice as sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Deficient-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to make a shadow.
So skinny y'all could give her a Large Carmine and apply her equally a thermometer.
So skinny she shades herself nether the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He'southward such a liar he'd beat you lot senseless and tell God you savage off a horse.
He was born sorry.
He's so low he'd steal the widow'south ax.
He'd steal his mama'southward egg coin.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma's grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a expressionless man's eyes.
No-account swain.
Bitter equally gall.
Tough as nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough equally whang.
Mean every bit a mama wasp.
Friendly as a brier bush.
She makes a hornet look cuddly.
A she-deport in satin.
Rough equally a cob.
He looks like a sheep-killing dog.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama'south fleas.
He's got horns holding up his halo.
We're not on borrowing terms.
Y'all're so depression you lot have to expect up to see hell.
He's so low you lot couldn't put a rug under him.
He jumped on me with all four anxiety.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me similar white on rice.
He tin blow out the lamp and leap into bed before it gets dark.
He gets at that place in one-half less than no fourth dimension.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as small-town gossip.
Faster than a prairie burn down with a tail current of air.
Faster than a scalded cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house afire.
Hell-bent for leather.
Any faster and he'd grab up to yesterday.
In a New York infinitesimal.
Strong
His breath's so potent you could hang out the washing on information technology.
That java's so strong information technology'll put pilus on your chest.
Coffee so strong information technology'll walk into your cup.
Java so strong it'll raise a blood blister on a boot.
He's so strong he makes Samson expect sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Wait what the cat dragged in.
Company's coming; add a loving cup of water to the soup.
We've howdied but we haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Allow'southward chaw the rag.
Departure/Good-bye
Let's calorie-free a shuck.
It's fourth dimension to heat up the bricks.
It's time to put the chairs in the wagon.
It's fourth dimension to swap spit and hit the route.
Information technology's time to put out the fire and phone call in the dogs.
He's heading for the wagon k.
Let'southward accident this pop stand.
That nigh puts the rag on the bush-league.
Church is out.
That'south all she wrote.
Patience
Hot will cool if greedy will allow it.
Accept a murphy and wait.
Don't become your panties in a wad.
Wash off your war paint.
Tired
Looks similar she's been chewed upwards, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
She looks similar chewed twine.
He looks similar Bowser's os.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
One cycle down and the axle dragging.
I'm near near past going.
Sick
He's got a hitch in his gitalong.
Ill as a dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'yard so ill I'd have to get better to die.
Sore as a eddy.
Her hopper's busted.
As full of pains equally an one-time window.
I've got the green apple tree nasties.
He looks like death warmed over.
Then ill he needs two beds.
Sad as a three-legged dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hibernate off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He'south got a ten-gallon oral fissure.
She speaks x words a 2d, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
She'due south got natural language enough for ten rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to death.
He blew in on his own current of air.
He's a live lexicon.
He's a chin musician.
She has a bong clapper instead of a natural language.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut upwards similar a boardinghouse pit.
Smiling similar a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous as a fly in the glue pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She'due south chewing her chip.
Circumspection
You lot were too hard to raise to adventure.
Don't dig up more snakes than you can kill.
Whistle before y'all walk into a stranger'south camp.
Don't turn too close to the cotton.
A dead serpent can still bite.
A dead bee can notwithstanding sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Even a blind hog tin find an acorn once in a while.
Anytime yous happen to pass my house, I'd sure appreciate it.
What did you practice with the coin your mama gave you lot for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Fifty-fifty the chickens nether the porch know that.
You odor like y'all want to exist left lonely.
Go peddle your ain produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If y'all break your leg, don't come running to me.
Whatever greases your wagon.
Problem
Got a big hole in the argue.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong wagon.
They hung the wrong equus caballus thief.
He ripped his britches.
There'south a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the current of air.
Hollering down a well.
Vain
He broke his arm patting himself on the dorsum.
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
I'd like to purchase him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She'due south so spoiled salt couldn't save her.
She'south so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunk/Drinking
He wasn't born, just squeezed out of a bartender'south rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging drunk.
Drunk as Cooter Chocolate-brown.
Drunk as a skunk.
Don't chop any forest this night; Daddy's coming home with a load.
Tighter than bark on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, knee-walking boozer.
Desolate
Looks like hell with anybody out to lunch.
Out where the buses don't run.
Expressionless
Buzzard bait.
He gave up his guitar for a harp.
He ate a biting pill.
Unwelcome
Equally welcome as an egg-sucking dog.
As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
As welcome as screwworm.
As welcome every bit a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn political party.
Every bit welcome as a wet shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.
Piece of cake
No colina for a stepper.
Slick equally a whistle.
Like shooting fish in a barrel as pie.
Difficult
Like trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Easy as pissing up a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the conditions or his raising.
He got caught in his own loop.
He came shut to the dollar pocketknife.
Smart
Bright equally a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart as a whip.
Dumb
If a duck had his brain, information technology would fly northward for the wintertime.
He doesn't accept plenty sense to spit downwind.
If he was bacon, he wouldn't even sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Dumb every bit dirt.
Impaired equally a box of rocks.
Dumb every bit a barrel of hair.
Impaired as a post.
Dumb as a wagon wheel.
Dumb every bit a prairie domestic dog.
Dumb as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know plenty to pound sand downwards a rat hole.
He can't ride and chew at the same time.
So stupid if y'all put his brains in a bumblebee, it'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
He don't know which end'southward upwardly.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know nothing from zilch.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a pigsty in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a brain, it'd die of loneliness.
So thick-headed you lot tin can hit him in the confront with a tire atomic number 26 and he won't yell till morning.
He could screw up an anvil.
Beat
He gave me the wire-brush treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch y'all baldheaded-headed.
I'll whip you like a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock y'all plumb into side by side calendar week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He's been saucered and blowed.
He sure cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Non what I had my face fixed for.
Similar hugging a rose bush.
Goose egg to write home about.
That dog won't chase.
I'd just as soon bite a bug.
I don't cotton to it.
Dislocated
Confused every bit a goat on AstroTurf.
My tongue got defenseless in my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was saying.
I can explain it to you, but I tin't empathize it for you.
He ran 'em around the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones's.
Immoral, Wild
They call her "radio station" because anyone can choice her upwards, particularly at nighttime.
He'due south wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose equally ashes in the current of air.
Loose as a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her sheet for a tablecloth.
He was built-in on the incorrect side of the blanket.
She's institute a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper before they said grace.
They planted their crop before they built their fence.
They're hitched just not churched.
They've got a cotton-patch license.
Pregnant
She's got a bun in the oven.
She'south sitting on the nest.
She's got i in the chute.
She'south been storked.
Citified
Raised on physical.
Doesn't know a bit from a butt.
You don't live longer in the city; it just seems that way.
Noisy
Noisy as 2 skeletons dancing on a tin roof.
Noisy every bit a restless mule in a can befouled.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Grandpa's Sunday tie.
He chosen his hogs all night. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall upwardly a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a pigsty in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
Then bad at farming he couldn't raise Cain.
He couldn't hit the floor if he fell out of bed.
Handy as hip pockets on a squealer.
Worthless as teats on a bull.
Worthless every bit a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing competition in a brewery.
Useless as 2 buggies in a one-horse boondocks.
He could screw up a two-car funeral.
Tie a quarter to it and throw information technology away, and you tin can say yous lost something.
He's got no more run a risk than a June issues in the chicken coop.
He's a solar day belatedly and a dollar curt.
He can't win for losing.
He's sucking hind teat.
I need that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She'south itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why close the barn door later on the horses are out?
No more good than an eyeless needle.
Like warming up leftover snow.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Similar sweet-talking the water out of the well.
Good, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby's breath.
Sweeter than an old maid's dream.
He took to you like a hog to persimmons.
He took to you like a fish to water.
Happy every bit a boardinghouse pup.
Happy equally a clam at high tide.
Happy as a hog in mud.
Condom as Granny's snuffbox.
Off-white to middling.
Pert as a cricket.
Soft as a two-minute egg.
All wool and a yard wide.
I'm cooking on a front burner today.
If I felt whatsoever improve, I'd drop my harp plumb through the deject.
If I felt whatsoever improve, I'd call back it was a setup.
Fatty and sassy.
All sweetness and light.
This is and then good information technology'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine as frog fur.
Fine every bit dollar cotton.
Fine every bit boomtown silk.
Fine equally cream gravy.
The porch light is e'er burning.
Long as I got a beige, y'all got one-half.
Distance
Down the route a slice.
A fur piece.
Turn left past yonder.
I won't say it'due south far, but I had to grease the wagon twice earlier I hit the chief route.
Ii hoots and a holler abroad.
Lazy
He hangs out more often than Mama's washing.
He'southward like a blister—he doesn't show up till the work's all done.
Shy
Shy equally a mail-order bride.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy every bit sapphires.
Nighttime
As dark every bit the inside of a wolf.
Dark as coffin air.
Dark as a pocket.
Night every bit a cow.
Dark as a bluish norther.
Dark equally the devil's riding boots.
Night as truck-stop coffee.
Handy
Handy as sliced breadstuff.
Handy equally shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Deficient
Scarce every bit hen's teeth.
Scarce equally grass around a hog trough.
Scarce every bit rain barrels.
Tiresome (every bit a knife)
You could ride all the way to Big Spring on it and never split a pilus.
It wouldn't cut hot butter.
You could scratch your back with it and never describe blood.
Slow (irksome)
As exciting as waiting for paint to dry.
As heady as a mashed-potato sandwich.
Equally much fun equally chopping forest.
Irksome equally Henry'due south bone.
Miscellaneous
Independent equally a hog on water ice.
I don't know you from Adam's off ox.
Thick as the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a subcontract dog.
That'southward two different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or high h2o.
Lord willing and the creek don't ascension.
I don't care if it harelips the governor.
Serious equally the business organization stop of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He'due south so slow he could gain weight walking.
Out like Lottie'due south eye.
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Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/